christmas eve eve.

christmas eve eve is my favorite part of christmas. it’s the only part of christmas that just belongs to me.  the only part of christmas where I don’t have to go anywhere or see anyone.  christmas eve and christmas day are so full of traveling and family and gifts that it is hard to find time to sit and just be quiet for a moment. so christmas eve eve is just for me.

this year I keep running back to the spare room to gloat over all the presents we’ve got to set out under the tree tomorrow night. there’s a farm play set and a baby doll and a flying saucer scooter for the little girl and tiny tiny shoes and onesie and a blue bear for the little fellow.

christmas eve eve is my day for remembering our first baby.  because there’s just no time for remembering or being sad on actual christmas.   I remember being so excited for that christmas three years ago, when I got to browse through toys and baby clothes, finally pregnant and so so excited, thinking, we’re going to be shopping in this aisle next year, when our baby is here.  

he would have been five months old the year afterwards, on his first christmas.  christmas eve eve was the last day I spent happy and pregnant with my first little baby.

but that christmas three years ago I spent in the emergency room,  waiting hours and hours and completely forgotten by the hospital staff, waiting for an ultrasound to tell me my baby didn’t have a heartbeat.  my lost christmas baby.

no one really wants to remember my lost christmas baby anymore.  no one wants to hear me talk about him now.  but he was here, and I loved him, and I wanted him so much. 

christmas is all about babies.  this year, I get to watch my little girl run out to look under the tree and I get to feel my little fellow kicking away with his tiny feet. and it is my first baby’s birthday.  I want to hold his memory for a while today, because it was a joy to have him, even if it was only for a little while.

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