stuff she does that drives me crazy.

my two year old is sleeping with her diaper duct taped together because on Monday, she took her diaper off and:

  • pooped on the kitchen rug and stepped in it and left a trail of poop prints through the kitchen and dining room and riving room carpet
  • peed on the floor
  • peed on the couch
  • peed in her bed THREE TIMES during the hour she was supposed to be napping.

and I am so tired of hearing “all wet, mama” on the baby monitor and getting up in the middle of night to change sheets MULTIPLE TIMES A NIGHT so the diaper will be duct taped on for a while.

she has refused her nap for a week now and she is suffering from it.  yesterday we went to storytime at the library and she:

  • screamed as loud as she could when I told her to sit down THREE TIMES
  • took the librarian’s books away TWICE
  • ran up to the librarian and touched her boob ??????????

last week at a library magic show she:

  • within seconds of arrival she had ran up to the magician and taken a prop off the stage
  • screamed when I made her put it back so I removed her from the magic show and then she:
  • ran from me and played hide-and-seek in the stacks until I picked her up and held her (and the baby in his car seat and two bags of library books) and then she screamed while we waited in the checkout line.

we won’t be going back to the library for a while.

she has officially worn me out and it’s only Wednesday.

I can tell that all this insane behavior is a perfect storm of no naps and crappy nighttime sleep.  instead of falling asleep at night, she sits up for hours in her crib, singing and talking and jumping on the bed.  she has gone from three-word sentences to speaking in complete sentences in a matter of days and she is picking up new words and phrases so fast.  I said “I’m so lucky” to her this morning and she was quoting it back to me tonight.

she is insanely smart and knows how to push all my buttons.

she is also a great kid who instantly forgives me and offers me hugs and kisses when I apologize for getting mad at her.  she is brave and so adventurous and her happy place is at the park across the street, playing with pinecones and sand and exploring the nature trail.  she really loves nothing better than just wandering around outside touching trees and collecting branches.  so I guess that’s where we ought to be right now instead of the library.  we ought to be in places where she can succeed and thrive, not places that make her overstimulated and cause her meltdowns.

on another note: she has always been a light sleep and has always woken up multiple times a night and so has he, except he is an infant still and has only wanted to eat.  but a few nights ago BOTH OF THEM slept from 11 pm-6 am and it was amazing.


he is three months old. and I can’t remember life before him.

he has discovered his hands.  he twines his fingers together and chews on his fists.  he can grab things, now.  he loves to pull my hair.  I can lean over him and he will reach up and grab my face.  he wrestles with his stuffed lion and snuggles his hippo lovie.

he is a drool machine.  he snacks on his fists and drool runs down his chin and soaks his clothes and when my father carries him around draped over his arm, he keeps a drool cloth underneath to stay dry.

he is so fascinated by his sister.  he loves to watch everything she does.  he’ll start fussing at me if I don’t keep him turned so he can see her.

last night, after nursing him to sleep, he popped back awake when I laid him down in his bed.  but then his father turned on his mobile, and he cooed quietly for ten minutes and fell asleep on his own.

he is almost too big for his bassinet now.  his little feet hang off the edge when he’s all spread out.

when he is tired and fussy he kicks out his legs and arms and goes as stiff as a board.  it’s like carrying around an angry log.

he has almost stopped his purple crying at night.  it’s now just the ordinary fussy noises of a tired baby and not the inconsolable crying of the purple cries from a month ago.

he gets so excited for his bedtime ritual of lotion and massage.  he just starts cooing and smiling.

he is the smilest baby.  he gives me these open mouth grins that are so amazing.  he giggles and gurgles and gives me heart eyes when I tell him he is good and handsome.

he is in a size three diapers already and has been for three weeks.

we went to the beach and he did not like having sand in his leg rolls.

I am so glad I get to stay home with him and be the recipient of all his smiles and heart eyes and talking.  I left my daughter at seven weeks to go to work and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, leaving her all day.  I am beyond grateful that I get to be with him all day and not miss a single thing.

he smells so good. I can’t stop sniffing his tiny little head.

he is so fat and rolly-polly and squishable.  I call him my gooey boy because he’s like a 15 pound ball of play-doh.

he is interested in tv and likes to watch elmo almost as much as his sister does.

I can’t get over how cute he is in his green striped shirt.



she has gone from three-word-sentences to full-blown talking in the past two weeks.  her new catch phrases are “how ’bout some (tv show/book/food)” and “come on (name)!!”

yesterday I propped up the baby on the couch cushions and turned on sesame street and she grabbed his tiny hand and said, “it’s elmo time baby!!” and gave him a huge sloppy kiss on the mouth.

we give the baby baths and she knows now that there are boy parts and girl parts.  I said, “let’s give the baby a bath!” and I went to go get the tub and bath towels.  when I came back, she had taken off his diaper and was wiping him down with baby wipes.  she pointed to his boy parts and said, “baby’s peanut!”

she is getting so crazy big.

she can sing all the words to “twinkle twinkle little star” and “the itsy bitsy spider.”

last night she was playing in the yard and she saw our neighbor and desperately wanted her to come over and play.  when the girl said she couldn’t play, she collapsed on her knees on the grass, wailed once, and then fell face first on the grass and stayed like that for two minutes.

she says, at the beach.

“One!!” – as in one more time, meaning an infinite amount 

“Daddy! How bout some Wild Kratts! Please!!”

“Come on mama/daddy/max/nana!!”

Last night, as she was falling asleep in bed next to me: “I love me too, Mama and Charlie.”

Pop reports after eating out: barreling past a group of diners: “Excuse me people!”

unicorn food.

I watch her playing with her father and her unicorn stick horse.  She finds a blue cup on the floor of her room and fills it with purple and blue foam blocks.  Eat, eat, she says, and shoves the unicorns nose into the cup.  She feeds the unicorn a daisy flower and a snowflake. She pats its mane.  Good boy, she says.  The unicorn is pink.

Right now, it is so easy to be his mother. All he wants is to snuggle and nurse and look into my eyes.  It is so easy to give him what he needs.  He cries for food and we nurse.  He cries for sleep and we rock.  He cries for attention and we talk and laugh.

Right now, it is so hard to be her mother.  All she wants is her old life back.  All she wants is to be in my lap, reading books with me, just like we used to before there was a a tiny little baby taking up my arms.  She cries and rages and sits across the room from me in tearful silence.

It is so hard to give her what she needs.  I try to give her one on one time when he is asleep.  I read her books, take her to the park, watch her play in her room, but there doesn’t seem to be enough time I can spend with her.  I pick up the baby and she melts down.  I nurse the baby and suddenly she’s crying for milk, for orange juice, carrying a whole armful of books to me, pulling off her pants and diaper and begging to go sit on the potty.

This is so hard for her.  And it’s so hard for me.

I hate that I do this, but sometimes I breathe a sigh of relief when she goes to her nana’s house for the day, because I can snuggle him and cuddle him as much as I want without her melting down.  Because sometimes I feel guilty enjoying him when she’s lying on the floor refusing to play because she’s so sad.

It’s so easy to be his mother.  It’s so easy to enjoy my time with him.  But it can be so hard to enjoy my time with her right now.  She acts up with me and it wears me out and pushes all my buttons.  I feel pulled in so many different directions whenever she’s there.  I love her and I’m tired of it being this hard and my heart is aching for her.  All at the same time.  It’s exhausting.

Sometimes we have a breakthrough.  Like yesterday.  We had fussed earlier.  She wanted to sit on the potty and I was trying to nurse him and she was naked and sobbing and I begged her to just stop crying, please, because I can’t take it anymore.

All the wrong words.

She was sitting quiet and sad while I was nursing him and I asked her if she was sad and she said, Yes. I told her to tell her brother how she felt and she said, I’m so mad at you.  And I know exactly how she feels, because I was the oldest of four sisters.  But at the same time, I just want her to love him as much as I do.

She said Sorry, sorry, mama, and it broke my heart.

It’s not hard to have a newborn. It’s hard to have a two year old who is completely miserable.  It’s hard to know she only wants me but I don’t have enough of myself to give her, because I’m spending so much of myself on him.

It’s so hard.  Sometimes I just want to go back to how it was before, just her and me, showering her with all my love and attention and watching her thrive in it.  Even though I love him so much and I couldn’t do without him, not ever.  I don’t want to wish his babyhood away, but sometimes I wish we were already at the stage where she loves him.




At ten weeks, he can hold up his head. 

He’s been doing sits ups when he’s laying on the floor.

He has started to blow bubbles and drool over everything. I hold him in my arms and I get covered in baby drool.

He grabs his fists and chews on his fingers.

He makes a buzzing bee sound when he’s cooing at me.

He loves being bounced and getting kisses and diaper changes.


He gets calm and quiet for his bedtime routine.

He loves to be held sitting up so he can watch his sister do everything.

He has a diaper blowout at least once a day. 

He is so kissable.

He reaches up to grab at my fave and holds his hands up to be kissed.

she says.

holding out her sippy cup: “Juice me!”

while building a tower of blocks:  “Careful, mama!!”

reclining back in a bubble bath: “I a mermaid.”

to her brother, after his nap: “Aww. I miss you.”


her favorite show right now is “Stuffy” – Doc McStuffins.  it’s been a great thing for her to watch.  she has always been hysterical every time we visit her pediatrician, but for her two-year-old visit, we talked in the car about Doc McStuffins and her clinic.  how all her patients get a check-up.  we sang the checkup song and talked about the different tools the doc uses to check her patients, how her doctor would look at her eyes and ears and listen to her heart.  and during her checkup, she was nervous – but not hysterical and wailing in my arms.  she knows about doctors now and it has made trips to the clinic far less stressful.

last weekend at the lake house, she was playing with some old toys, a keyboard and mouse set that used to be part of a leapfrog computer, and her little brother was crying.  she said, time for checkup! and took a paper towel roll and rolled it out on the floor just like the examining tables at the doctor’s office and told me to “sit you, sit you” on it.  she took the mouse and hovered it over his chest and said, thoughtfully, Beat.  she typed out whatever she had heard on the keyboard.  then she checked his eyes and ears.  he was still crying.

I asked, “what’s the diagnosis?”

she exclaimed, “baby crying!”

“what do we do, doc?” I asked.

she pointed to me.  “fix him,” she said.

we gave him a kiss for his boo-boo.

this is a landmark even because it’s the first time she’s ever played doctor.  AND it’s the first time she’s ever played with her brother.  I about melted on the floor.  now I know why my mom used to get silly whenever my sisters and I played together.