surrendering the day.

the thing that I have found about having two babies is most often, if I want our day to go smoothly, then I can’t go in with an agenda.  I just can’t.  babies don’t care about your agendas.  they aren’t bothered about making sure the floors are vacuumed or that house projects get finished.  and if I try to structure our day around accomplishing some task, then I’m shooting myself in the foot.  I’ll keep trying and trying to make it happen.  I’ll let the tv run for hours while I try to get one single load of laundry folded.  I’ll get frustrated and shout and stomp and cry…and so will my babies.  and I’ll end the day feeling unaccomplished and tired and anxious.

I think the trick might be to just surrender the day.  I don’t have an agenda on the best days we have together.  I wake up and let my babies tell me what they need.  I don’t try to get anything done.  I just sit with them on the floor and play my little pony for hours, or go for a surprise walk in the rain.  and we are all happy.  and there is space in our day for the babies to tell me what they need that day, and for me to give to them without frustration or resentment.

because what they need changes from day to day.  I love routine.  I stay up nights thinking if only I could come up with the perfect routine, there would be time for extra housework and there would be no tears…but it doesn’t really work that way.

sometimes, of course, things have to get done.  errands have to be run.  library books have to be returned.  groceries have to be bought.  but I need to remember that these days aren’t for me, but for them.  it’s not about what I want to get done.  it’s about giving them what they need.  if I can just remember to surrender the day.

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today

 her brother was crying and she ran over to him to give him a hug.

we read a ballet book and her father said Show me your dance moves! so she tried to stick out her leg like the ballerina and shouted Leg’s not working!!

she gave me eskimo kisses.

she fixed a dead battery in a train with her father. she held the screwdriver and was so interested and happy.